Goddess to Goddess

Greetings great Goddess of the north :-) Goddess of the sea here... settling into my new little seashell. Phew! What a storm of activity. The mortals have honored me well with their help. I am well loved. And well moved. Well almost. Still have to have to clean the old place Organize the new place, unpack all my sacred and not so sacred belongings. Gosh I have a lot of stuff. I need to streamline, lighten up and let go of all those things that no longer serve. (no longer serve the goddess!) hahaha 

Loved your message, got it kind of late so I will call back today. Happiness is a tangerine wall. Happiness is mom coming down with spice muffins. Happiness is wireless connection just "working". Actually I need some help with my email, that part is not "just working". Happiness is a coffee maker and a spoon. I'm still sleepy. Gotta get some goddess energy going.

Good things on an idle Thursday

1. That new song that just totally "catches" you
   
2. That old song that brings that smile and those good memories and makes you feel like you're 17 again
   
3. The Dali Lama, because he just rocks
   
4. Clever Home Depot gadgets
   
5. Roommates who work out a lot and then walk around the apartment shirtless (yes it's good to be me)
6. Not having to do everything today
7. Ionic hairdryers
8. People thinking I'm 27 :-)
9. The head of the office asking me to lunch to brainstorm creative ideas
10. Having a head of office who is totally cool and actively trying to turn our office into a "hot spot" 
11. A great impromtu conversation in a parking lot with a co-worker I always liked but don't know very well
12. Free Starbucks refills with the new Starbucks card
13. LL Cool J
14. Discovering a "Thank You" board in the hallway at work with post-it notes all over it
15. Daydreaming about the ideal summer party

Issues vs. Attraction

Last week, a cute guy at Starbucks chatted me up, I gave him my number and he called me. We went out last Thursday night, had a few drinks, had a great time. Last night, we went to the movies. I really wasn't into him at all, my attraction for him was gone. So what exactly happened?

Attraction. Well, Monday when I met him he was wearing a baggy shirt, he'd been golfing in the rain so his hair was kind of tousled. Looked good. When I met him Thursday, he was wearing a nice dress shirt. His hair was gelled, didn't love it but went with it. Last night he was wearing a tight black t-shirt and his hair was gelled... and I thought, oh... Tony Soprano, guido, he's got a serious beer belly going on there. Maybe that's shallow but I've never really been one for beefy guys. The other thing that could be happening is that when we were out Thursday night, we had a few drinks. We got touchy a bit feely, kissed, hugged, etc.  When he came over last night, we kissed hello, then went to my computer to choose a movie. He sat down in my office chair and immediately tried to pull me into his lap. My computer is in my bedroom. I didn't feel comfortable with this so I stood up. Perhaps it was moving a bit fast for me. Or perhaps I didn't want to sit in his lap because I didn't feel attracted to him. We went to the movies, but my head wasn't really into the date. I'm in the process of moving, painting all weekend, etc. It had been a really busy weekend. Was I just out of people juice? And this guy was invading my space? Hmmm. 

Issues. Is my sudden lack of interest in this guy about attraction, or is it related to my issues? He seems into me, does that scare me? I want to be close to a man. I want a boyfriend in my life. I haven't had a serious "real" relationship in about 5 years.  Actually going on 6. Those who know me know what went down 6 years ago. Emotional trauma. I've been trying to move past it ever since. But every time a dating scenario doesn't work out, I can't help but wonder. Is this my brokenness at work again? Is something on some interior level just shutting down? Or am I making too much of it and it's just my gemini nature at work... perhaps I was flattered about being asked out when I wasn't expecting it, and riding that "ego high" and then last night I finally took a look at the guy and went, nope not for me? How does one ever know for sure if it's a case of one's own fear, issues, or just a case of the classic "she's just not that into you?"

Weekend Good Things

Good sounds

1. Chirping birds outside my window
2. The soft rustle of the wind
3. The silence of the alarm clock on saturday morning
4. Jorge milling about the house, chatting to me from other rooms
5. The pretty chime of email in my inbox (yeah someone loves me! yes... citibank and American Airlines love me a lot... hahaha)

The good things list

Best smells

1. Fireplace smoke in the air
2. Lilacs
3. Old Spice
4. Apple pie baking
5. A warm clean horse

Lazy morning

So I have planets cuddled up in the 12th house, making me kind of quiet and reflective and sleepy. My horoscope says I shouldn't overtax myself between 5-1 and 5-21. Oh well. So much going on getting ready to move, etc. not much chance of that. But I will try to just be peaceful and positive. Funny how channeling positive thoughts and energy and a nice compliment can help your day so much. One of my work buddies told me yesterday I have "good booty". My reaction to that was really? the booty? Not the hair or the smile or the cleavage? He said nope. The booty, baby. Wow. That kind of made my day. 

Actually I've been having a lot of those kind of experiences lately. One little thing making my day. I got flirted with in Starbucks out of the blue on Monday. My shoulders were hurting me and I didn't sleep well Sunday at all, wasn't showered, not a stitch of makeup on (not that we stitch it on but still) and just ran in to get a cup of coffee before going to my chiropractor to sort out my shoulder issue... the universe conspired to keep me there for a few minutes to give this chap an opportunity to chat me up. They had to brew some decaf, so I waited. When I finally got my coffee he opened with the line "leaving so soon?" I am meeting him for a drink tonight. But boy that just made my day, to be flirted with when I'm not even done up at all. 

What else has made my day? I was sad a few weeks ago and my friend T dropped me an email out of the blue talking about how I should see the moon. Next thing I know I'm on my way to Maine. My relationship with G has been getting back to it's good place, we're talking lots lately having our old good conversations. My dad asked me to go riding last weekend and it was great. Got a great note from my friend T the other day. F5 reunion was fun. And the spring flowers on all the trees make me smile. Things have been going really well with D (guy who works for me). He's having twins - wow. I'm trying to focus on all these good things to get my positive energy flowing, right now this morning I'm feeling sleepy and sluggish. Wake up wake up, it's a brand new day! :-)

Conflict

So the old conflict is back... or rather, it never really went away. My colleague at work is up to his old tricks again. I made a desperate plea last night... the stress of this is just getting to me. What he wants from me? My help. What I want from him? To be organized and give me a decent amount of lead time to work on his projects. Organization. No more last minute changes, lies and excuses. Final drafts, so hours of my work don't end up on the cutting room floor. In a word, respect. Instead, what I get is years of trying to talk and ask for what I want, only to be ignored time and again. Attitude. A thousand excuses why he can't give me what I ask. And then, my being made the bad guy. When I finally get to the point where my patience is worn to the bone, and his bad treatment and disrespect drive me to attitude and arguments... I am the big bad wolf. He is the poor little innocent victim. I am the bitch because I won't "let him slide" anymore. And of course he makes it known to all that will listen that I'm "touchy" so now everyone on his team pussyfoots around me. How did this happen? Why am I the bad guy? This is so beyond unfair. I don't even WANT anything from him. He's the one who wants something from me. 

So I made a white flag plea last night. Please... please can't we work this out. And he sat there, and put his arms up behind his head, and admitted that he needs me and I've saved his job time and again, and he's totally unfair to me. And then the excuses came, all the reasons why he is the way he is, and why that's fine. Why his clients feed him bs and he eats it and so everyone has to eat his. Why people put up with him because they can "learn something". Well, I don't need to put up with your ****,  I don't need to learn anything. Or maybe I do. Maybe I need to learn to say no. Maybe I need to learn to say too bad. Maybe I need to learn not to let other people's bad behavior stress me out. Maybe I need to learn to let go of the drama and give him enough rope to hang himself. But me being me this is not what I want. I don't want to fight and struggle and get ambushed and play stupid head games maneuvering for position and scoring points and seeing who can get away with what. I just want peace. I just want the stress to stop.

Morning thoughts

I was lying in my bed thinking this morning how humans are. thinking about the problems I have and my own struggles... but I am not unique... my struggles are the struggles of millions.  I struggle with debt. So do millions of other Americans. There is a housing crisis. 2 million Americans will lose their homes to foreclosure this year. There is a credit crisis. I struggle to lose weight. So do millions of others. Diet ads are everywhere, right next to ads for the latest crappy food and the latest supersized offer. 

I struggle to find a relationship, a mate. So do about 51% of other women in America, apparently, according to statistics, according to the tabloids, according to the first hand testimonial of a number of my friends. Even relationship-oriented guys. My male roommate, who's about as good as the human male gets... strong, smart, good looking, kind, responsible, thoughtful... has been texting ad nauseum with a girl he met about two weeks ago. He asked her out to a movie this weekend... and she was more interested in her Cinqo De Mayo plans to go drinking with her friends. She did not say "wow I'd love to catch a movie with you but I'm booked all weekend - how about sometime next week?". Nope. This confounds me. How do you spend 12 hours a day corresponding with someone for days on end via text, but not want to actually spend any time with them IRL? A product of our generation? My own attempts at interpersonal hetero-sexual relationships are no less confounding - to the point where I've all but given up seeking one. One of the most popular TV shows of our generation deals with just such this issue. 

I ask myself if I am flawed. Damaged. Broken. If there is something somehow wrong with me. But the more I look around, the more I begin to suspect that if I am, then there is something wrong with all of us. I watched the film "the new world" last night (again). John Smith and Pocohontas are in love. She's as lovely as lovely can be in every way. Still, he leaves her. He breaks her heart. Why? because he was a coward. Does he regret it? Oh yes he does. When they meet again at the end of the film, she says to him, "Have you found your Indies John? you will." and he replies, with sad longing in his face "I think I may have sailed passed them". Later he says to her "I thought what we had in the forest was a dream. Now I realize... it's the only truth". But it's too late for him. 

How human is that? How many dreams have we all sailed passed? 

Are we all just sailing through life too fast to see or appreciate what is before us? Are we too distracted by all the glitter that is not gold? Do we dream too big or want too much? Has marketing invaded our psyches to the point where we can't tell the difference of what's good for us and what's bad for us anymore? Do we compare ourselves to the golden ideal so much that none of us feel worthy - are we all too scared to take a chance? Or is it just the human condition? In my ancestry.com research, I came across a 1910 census form that literally listed categories for insane, and some other categorization for the emotionally walking wounded. Is this then, the human condition?