Lazy morning

So I have planets cuddled up in the 12th house, making me kind of quiet and reflective and sleepy. My horoscope says I shouldn't overtax myself between 5-1 and 5-21. Oh well. So much going on getting ready to move, etc. not much chance of that. But I will try to just be peaceful and positive. Funny how channeling positive thoughts and energy and a nice compliment can help your day so much. One of my work buddies told me yesterday I have "good booty". My reaction to that was really? the booty? Not the hair or the smile or the cleavage? He said nope. The booty, baby. Wow. That kind of made my day. 

Actually I've been having a lot of those kind of experiences lately. One little thing making my day. I got flirted with in Starbucks out of the blue on Monday. My shoulders were hurting me and I didn't sleep well Sunday at all, wasn't showered, not a stitch of makeup on (not that we stitch it on but still) and just ran in to get a cup of coffee before going to my chiropractor to sort out my shoulder issue... the universe conspired to keep me there for a few minutes to give this chap an opportunity to chat me up. They had to brew some decaf, so I waited. When I finally got my coffee he opened with the line "leaving so soon?" I am meeting him for a drink tonight. But boy that just made my day, to be flirted with when I'm not even done up at all. 

What else has made my day? I was sad a few weeks ago and my friend T dropped me an email out of the blue talking about how I should see the moon. Next thing I know I'm on my way to Maine. My relationship with G has been getting back to it's good place, we're talking lots lately having our old good conversations. My dad asked me to go riding last weekend and it was great. Got a great note from my friend T the other day. F5 reunion was fun. And the spring flowers on all the trees make me smile. Things have been going really well with D (guy who works for me). He's having twins - wow. I'm trying to focus on all these good things to get my positive energy flowing, right now this morning I'm feeling sleepy and sluggish. Wake up wake up, it's a brand new day! :-)

Conflict

So the old conflict is back... or rather, it never really went away. My colleague at work is up to his old tricks again. I made a desperate plea last night... the stress of this is just getting to me. What he wants from me? My help. What I want from him? To be organized and give me a decent amount of lead time to work on his projects. Organization. No more last minute changes, lies and excuses. Final drafts, so hours of my work don't end up on the cutting room floor. In a word, respect. Instead, what I get is years of trying to talk and ask for what I want, only to be ignored time and again. Attitude. A thousand excuses why he can't give me what I ask. And then, my being made the bad guy. When I finally get to the point where my patience is worn to the bone, and his bad treatment and disrespect drive me to attitude and arguments... I am the big bad wolf. He is the poor little innocent victim. I am the bitch because I won't "let him slide" anymore. And of course he makes it known to all that will listen that I'm "touchy" so now everyone on his team pussyfoots around me. How did this happen? Why am I the bad guy? This is so beyond unfair. I don't even WANT anything from him. He's the one who wants something from me. 

So I made a white flag plea last night. Please... please can't we work this out. And he sat there, and put his arms up behind his head, and admitted that he needs me and I've saved his job time and again, and he's totally unfair to me. And then the excuses came, all the reasons why he is the way he is, and why that's fine. Why his clients feed him bs and he eats it and so everyone has to eat his. Why people put up with him because they can "learn something". Well, I don't need to put up with your ****,  I don't need to learn anything. Or maybe I do. Maybe I need to learn to say no. Maybe I need to learn to say too bad. Maybe I need to learn not to let other people's bad behavior stress me out. Maybe I need to learn to let go of the drama and give him enough rope to hang himself. But me being me this is not what I want. I don't want to fight and struggle and get ambushed and play stupid head games maneuvering for position and scoring points and seeing who can get away with what. I just want peace. I just want the stress to stop.

Morning thoughts

I was lying in my bed thinking this morning how humans are. thinking about the problems I have and my own struggles... but I am not unique... my struggles are the struggles of millions.  I struggle with debt. So do millions of other Americans. There is a housing crisis. 2 million Americans will lose their homes to foreclosure this year. There is a credit crisis. I struggle to lose weight. So do millions of others. Diet ads are everywhere, right next to ads for the latest crappy food and the latest supersized offer. 

I struggle to find a relationship, a mate. So do about 51% of other women in America, apparently, according to statistics, according to the tabloids, according to the first hand testimonial of a number of my friends. Even relationship-oriented guys. My male roommate, who's about as good as the human male gets... strong, smart, good looking, kind, responsible, thoughtful... has been texting ad nauseum with a girl he met about two weeks ago. He asked her out to a movie this weekend... and she was more interested in her Cinqo De Mayo plans to go drinking with her friends. She did not say "wow I'd love to catch a movie with you but I'm booked all weekend - how about sometime next week?". Nope. This confounds me. How do you spend 12 hours a day corresponding with someone for days on end via text, but not want to actually spend any time with them IRL? A product of our generation? My own attempts at interpersonal hetero-sexual relationships are no less confounding - to the point where I've all but given up seeking one. One of the most popular TV shows of our generation deals with just such this issue. 

I ask myself if I am flawed. Damaged. Broken. If there is something somehow wrong with me. But the more I look around, the more I begin to suspect that if I am, then there is something wrong with all of us. I watched the film "the new world" last night (again). John Smith and Pocohontas are in love. She's as lovely as lovely can be in every way. Still, he leaves her. He breaks her heart. Why? because he was a coward. Does he regret it? Oh yes he does. When they meet again at the end of the film, she says to him, "Have you found your Indies John? you will." and he replies, with sad longing in his face "I think I may have sailed passed them". Later he says to her "I thought what we had in the forest was a dream. Now I realize... it's the only truth". But it's too late for him. 

How human is that? How many dreams have we all sailed passed? 

Are we all just sailing through life too fast to see or appreciate what is before us? Are we too distracted by all the glitter that is not gold? Do we dream too big or want too much? Has marketing invaded our psyches to the point where we can't tell the difference of what's good for us and what's bad for us anymore? Do we compare ourselves to the golden ideal so much that none of us feel worthy - are we all too scared to take a chance? Or is it just the human condition? In my ancestry.com research, I came across a 1910 census form that literally listed categories for insane, and some other categorization for the emotionally walking wounded. Is this then, the human condition? 

Monday

Really busy day - a lot of fans in the fire so to speak. Teaching my group photoshop (finally) and juggling a lot of projects. Rainy day. Easy to get annoyed but kept trying to work my focus back to positive places. Sometimes happy is a decision. Starting to think about my move. I have to downsize again. It will be interesting. But I try to keep my mind focused on the benefits. It will save me a lot of money that I need to save, so I can get out of debt. Life has it's challenges. Sometimes there are things you just need to do. I can do this. I can turn this around. I can save the money and pay off the debt. I can take good care of myself. I can learn the lessons. I can do the job. 

The good things... 

1. 80's music
   
2. A is being very friendly, reaching out a lot on IM and text after our shopping day Friday, surprising, but also nice
3. Sleep shirts rock
4. S at work wants to do coffee this week
5. Gratitude for the opportunity before me

Sunday

Things have been good. Friday took the day off for the annual outlet day outing - went shopping with friends, got a lot of things I needed from my list. Got some cute tops, some pretty feminine pajamas, got re-sized for a bra (wow - did I need that) so now I have bras that fit. Got 6 t-shirts on sale for $6.50 a piece. Great deal. Got two cute little tiny summer cardigans that I've desperately needed so now I have something to wear over short sleeves. Friday night we went out and I got to catch up with my friend G who I haven't seen in forever. J and his friend J met us out. C likes J2. So does A. uh oh. Had a fun silly text correspondence with G who was home watching bball. Had a bit of a hangover Saturday and just chilled at home on the couch. Today I have to be a bit more industrious. 

Friday morning I ran into C at Starbucks, the man who bailed on me in November. It was weird, he was kind of sheepishly trying to get my attention and talk to me. Kind of made me realize for all his big muscles he's not really a strong person. We can all be like that I guess. Trying to seem strong when inside we're really not. Hoping and praying for forgiveness. Trust gets harder when you get older. So does forgiveness. And not just of others of ourselves too. 

I was reflecting this morning on how my lack of motivation may stem from a lot of lack of trying making any difference in my past. Being a good girl didn't keep dad from leaving. Trying really hard to get A's in school didn't get me the positive attention I craved. Being a good kind understanding girlfriend didn't keep the men I loved from ignoring what I wanted, or leaving, or make them want to stay or be with me. Doing a great job didn't stop RR from moving to VA or F5 from going under. Standing by friends/family and always being there for them didn't stop them from being a mess, or leaving. My brother is still depressed, L is still a crazy person, D is still a stepford wife. Sometimes it's so hard to make sense of these things because when it comes to people A+B doesn't always equal C. 

And then I can't help but think of the buddhist perspective of letting go of the outcome. That's a lot to ask. But maybe we need to love for love's sake. We need to forgive for our own sake. Sometimes love will help and sometimes it won't. Sometimes loving people will only get us hurt. We can't change other people. People will let is down. We will let ourselves down too. But how to heal from all that? How to heal and still try and still let people in? A mystery we all crave the answer to. 

Good things that happened today - 4-24

1. Magnificently beautiful day
2. Lost is back tonight (yeah!)
3. The trees are blooming
4. I have tomorrow off
5. I bit my tongue (sort of)
6. I am attempting to rise above an annoying situation
7. I went shopping yesterday so I have food in the house (yeah)
8. I have no plans tonight so I can do whatever I want

The best thing that happened today so far (and it's only 8:30 am!)

Received this email this morning... it made my soul happy 

Dearest *****,

I had so much fun with you tonight!  I haven't laughed that hard in a long time.  It was great to see you...I fell in love with you all over again...(You get what I mean).  I wish our generation wrote and communicated more like John Adams and Thomas Jefferson;  I've always loved the way they were so heartfelt and sincere with each other in those days.  Well, we kinda do... 

 I told M*****  that we spent a great deal of time discussing John Adams and he was Very proud of us that we did...as opposed to... "who was wearing what at the last big celeb thing"...

Thanks for your friendship...you really DO know me well!!  :}  I hope your beautiful, sexy shoe is more comfortable now.  

And remember, any time you have a splinter, or sticker, or chains that need to be untangled, you know where to go!

Love always,  T