Friday morning I ran into C at Starbucks, the man who bailed on me in November. It was weird, he was kind of sheepishly trying to get my attention and talk to me. Kind of made me realize for all his big muscles he's not really a strong person. We can all be like that I guess. Trying to seem strong when inside we're really not. Hoping and praying for forgiveness. Trust gets harder when you get older. So does forgiveness. And not just of others of ourselves too.
I was reflecting this morning on how my lack of motivation may stem from a lot of lack of trying making any difference in my past. Being a good girl didn't keep dad from leaving. Trying really hard to get A's in school didn't get me the positive attention I craved. Being a good kind understanding girlfriend didn't keep the men I loved from ignoring what I wanted, or leaving, or make them want to stay or be with me. Doing a great job didn't stop RR from moving to VA or F5 from going under. Standing by friends/family and always being there for them didn't stop them from being a mess, or leaving. My brother is still depressed, L is still a crazy person, D is still a stepford wife. Sometimes it's so hard to make sense of these things because when it comes to people A+B doesn't always equal C.
And then I can't help but think of the buddhist perspective of letting go of the outcome. That's a lot to ask. But maybe we need to love for love's sake. We need to forgive for our own sake. Sometimes love will help and sometimes it won't. Sometimes loving people will only get us hurt. We can't change other people. People will let is down. We will let ourselves down too. But how to heal from all that? How to heal and still try and still let people in? A mystery we all crave the answer to.
1 comment:
Here's my $.02. Things almost never turn out the way we want them to. But if we lie, cheat, steal, pretend, hide, be mean, be small, manipulate, overcompensate, be too nice, and pretend some more...instead of being honest, truthful, kind, generous from the heart, on the up and up, refusing what we just do NOT want to do, and telling the truth some more...whether we get what we wanted or not, we have to live with who our actions make us.
I don't know about you, but I have a really hard time being that person. I find that when I pretend and lie, even if I think it will get me what I want, or make someone feel better, or whatever, I don't really like living as that person.
I think the point of being good is that it makes you good. And you have to live and die with yourself, no matter what happens.
When I look around me at the people who don't BOTHER to be good, who don't care, or don't see the point, or who get what they want by lying and cheating...I see people that I don't want to be. And when I walk away from them because they've hurt me - as they inevitably will - I never really feel like I've lost. Maybe I didn't get what I wanted again. But I don't have to BE THEM...and sometimes? That's the best thing EVER.
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