Monday

Really busy day - a lot of fans in the fire so to speak. Teaching my group photoshop (finally) and juggling a lot of projects. Rainy day. Easy to get annoyed but kept trying to work my focus back to positive places. Sometimes happy is a decision. Starting to think about my move. I have to downsize again. It will be interesting. But I try to keep my mind focused on the benefits. It will save me a lot of money that I need to save, so I can get out of debt. Life has it's challenges. Sometimes there are things you just need to do. I can do this. I can turn this around. I can save the money and pay off the debt. I can take good care of myself. I can learn the lessons. I can do the job. 

The good things... 

1. 80's music
   
2. A is being very friendly, reaching out a lot on IM and text after our shopping day Friday, surprising, but also nice
3. Sleep shirts rock
4. S at work wants to do coffee this week
5. Gratitude for the opportunity before me

Sunday

Things have been good. Friday took the day off for the annual outlet day outing - went shopping with friends, got a lot of things I needed from my list. Got some cute tops, some pretty feminine pajamas, got re-sized for a bra (wow - did I need that) so now I have bras that fit. Got 6 t-shirts on sale for $6.50 a piece. Great deal. Got two cute little tiny summer cardigans that I've desperately needed so now I have something to wear over short sleeves. Friday night we went out and I got to catch up with my friend G who I haven't seen in forever. J and his friend J met us out. C likes J2. So does A. uh oh. Had a fun silly text correspondence with G who was home watching bball. Had a bit of a hangover Saturday and just chilled at home on the couch. Today I have to be a bit more industrious. 

Friday morning I ran into C at Starbucks, the man who bailed on me in November. It was weird, he was kind of sheepishly trying to get my attention and talk to me. Kind of made me realize for all his big muscles he's not really a strong person. We can all be like that I guess. Trying to seem strong when inside we're really not. Hoping and praying for forgiveness. Trust gets harder when you get older. So does forgiveness. And not just of others of ourselves too. 

I was reflecting this morning on how my lack of motivation may stem from a lot of lack of trying making any difference in my past. Being a good girl didn't keep dad from leaving. Trying really hard to get A's in school didn't get me the positive attention I craved. Being a good kind understanding girlfriend didn't keep the men I loved from ignoring what I wanted, or leaving, or make them want to stay or be with me. Doing a great job didn't stop RR from moving to VA or F5 from going under. Standing by friends/family and always being there for them didn't stop them from being a mess, or leaving. My brother is still depressed, L is still a crazy person, D is still a stepford wife. Sometimes it's so hard to make sense of these things because when it comes to people A+B doesn't always equal C. 

And then I can't help but think of the buddhist perspective of letting go of the outcome. That's a lot to ask. But maybe we need to love for love's sake. We need to forgive for our own sake. Sometimes love will help and sometimes it won't. Sometimes loving people will only get us hurt. We can't change other people. People will let is down. We will let ourselves down too. But how to heal from all that? How to heal and still try and still let people in? A mystery we all crave the answer to. 

Good things that happened today - 4-24

1. Magnificently beautiful day
2. Lost is back tonight (yeah!)
3. The trees are blooming
4. I have tomorrow off
5. I bit my tongue (sort of)
6. I am attempting to rise above an annoying situation
7. I went shopping yesterday so I have food in the house (yeah)
8. I have no plans tonight so I can do whatever I want

The best thing that happened today so far (and it's only 8:30 am!)

Received this email this morning... it made my soul happy 

Dearest *****,

I had so much fun with you tonight!  I haven't laughed that hard in a long time.  It was great to see you...I fell in love with you all over again...(You get what I mean).  I wish our generation wrote and communicated more like John Adams and Thomas Jefferson;  I've always loved the way they were so heartfelt and sincere with each other in those days.  Well, we kinda do... 

 I told M*****  that we spent a great deal of time discussing John Adams and he was Very proud of us that we did...as opposed to... "who was wearing what at the last big celeb thing"...

Thanks for your friendship...you really DO know me well!!  :}  I hope your beautiful, sexy shoe is more comfortable now.  

And remember, any time you have a splinter, or sticker, or chains that need to be untangled, you know where to go!

Love always,  T

List of the good things - Wed Apr 23 version

1. Got a parking space RIGHT in front of the building by the door
   
2. Got the elevator right as soon as I walked in the door (this is a big deal - we have the slowest elevators in the world at my building)
   
3. The gang at the deli sang me a song when I came in for my lunch today :-) And they ordered Diet Peach Snapple especially for me 
   
4. Got a great manicure/pedicure and had dinner with my sweet friend T
   
5. She got the remnants of the on sale sticker off the heel of my new shoe
   
6. Got invited to go to Nantucket for Memorial day. Not sure I can go... but it's still great to be invited :-)
   
7. It was a phenomenal beautiful day with big round suns on the weather forecast for the next 2 days
8. Had a fun "argument" with my old friend GS about the proper use of the words "girlfriend" and "colloquial" 
9. Am taking Friday off for "Outlet day" with my friends (not my GIRLfriends... that's for you GS)
10. In my opinion I think I have very sexy feet

and... a list of things present in my life (not just today) to be thankful for (in general)

1. My friend/roommate G is in a good place in his life and doing good - and that makes me happy/brings me a deep sense of satisfaction, even though it has nothing to do with me
   
2. He always takes out the garbage and brings up the mail, without ever being asked 
   
3. My friend K always always finds it in her heart to be kind to me when I am sad, no matter what is going on with her, even when there is so much going on with her it would be totally forgivable for her to be lost in her own stuff. Who does that? It's amazing. 
4. The man who works for me (D) is always in good spirits and ready with a silly joke, and he puts up with all my crap, even when he doesn't realize it's crap. Plus he's talented as all hell and god I'm lucky to have him with me because he saves my ass time and time again
5. Doctors and antibiotics. I have the most wonderful doctors. I wish I didn't need them but I'm really grateful that I have them available. Dr. Trebing, Dr. Burd, Dr. Taddonio, Dr. Fleigelmann, and my eye doctor, who's name is too complicated to remember how to spell but she rocks too. 
6. Down pillows
7. Haagen Daaz
8. HBO

Man in a Fake Bear Suit

Okay I found out last night that Man vs. Wild is fake. Bear Grylls doesn't spend the night in the wild, he sleeps in hotels. I don't know if this means that Bear is fake. He's seems a pretty bad-ass guy. But apparently people have caught him using ropes, staying in hotels, "surviving" in places that are heavily populated... and as it turns out a lot of his more dramatic tips about surviving in the wild are surefire ways to get yourself injured and killed. Now... I knew that about some of the stuff. Like climbing up a waterfall, duh. Originally the show was supposed to be a less dramatic, more educational show, with a narrator survival expert pointing out the "what not to do". Discovery Channel edited to make better TV. They dumped the narrator... and Bear played along. 

So here's the interesting thing. I can't figure out of I'm bothered by this or not. On the one hand, I'm bothered that Discovery channel felt they had to lie to us. Second, while I'm savvy enough to realize that a lot of the crazy stuff he does should not be done in a survival situation, I'm bothered that apparently lots of his other advice is not great, or rather, very incomplete.  In a weird way though I feel better that Bear isn't as crazy as we thought. And I'm strangely proud, that in our internet culture of you tube and wikipedia that people noticed and didn't let them get away with it. But mainly I want to say... Discovery channel... why did you think you needed to do this? I think it's neat to see these wild places and be shown interesting things... I don't care if Bear wants to sleep in a hotel at the end of the day. 

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

Today I was thinking that I have let fear, sadness, negativity engross my thoughts too much. I need to wrestle my mind from focusing too much on these things. I need to find the balance between honesty and obsessing. So I am making the effort to pull my gaze away from the darkness of the abyss and turn my face towards the light. Sometimes the darkness can seem overwhelming... but always there is light. I am seeking it. The stories we tell ourselves are powerful so we must choose them wisely. One thing I realized today about obsessive thinking... sometimes we need something to be heard. It's important to feel heard. It's important to listen. 

A list of the good things

A list of the good things...

1. It's April and the sun is shining
2. I have a good job
3. I'm getting help and support at work
4. My dad invited me to go riding in May
5. My friend invited me to Maine for the weekend to see the lighthouses
6. I ran into my old neighbor Sunday and we made plans to have dinner
7. I bought cute new shoes last weekend
8. Hot coffee
9. I'm only a little overweight, not a lot
10. My friend C is always there checking on me with a smile and a bottle of wine

Price check, aisle 3

I am very very aware of needing something I don't have right now. Some sort of strength, or hope or fortitude. Dark thoughts and deep sadness fill my mind ... like a leak in my soul somewhere. I try to empty the cup, pick myself up, dress myself up, get out in the world with friends or tackle projects. I got to bed with the intention of sleeping early and rising early, getting prepared to to seize the day and make progress. But when morning comes, I lay in my bed feeling sad, feeling lost. I fear I do not have what it takes to get where I want to go. I know this is not a productive attitude. I know I am putting too much weight on past failures. I know I need to change... something. Many things. The sadness is like a weight that has grown to heavy. I beg for ways to let it go. I tell myself one foot in front of the other, and you can get there. But do I believe it? I know I need hope. I know I need courage. Strength. Something like that. A different attitude. To change. To believe. They say that it's all about what you believe. They say you create your world with your mind. Let go of negative thinking. Focus on the positive. Be grateful. This all makes sense. But how? How does one get there from here? I need to create a different world inside my head. A different life. I need to believe I can. 

Romulus, My Father

I read a review of this film that said he couldn’t connect to it emotionally, it didn’t let him in. The only thing I can make of that is this man has led a charmed life and never suffered betrayal or broken dreams. This movie is so poignant in it’s human truth it went straight to the heart of me. There is nothing false about this story at all. 

We meet this immigrant family on a lonely homestead in the backwaters of Austalia. We don’t know what happened to them back in Europe, but it is clear they suffered some sort of hardship and damage. I am guessing that the mother, Christina, suffered from some sort of personality disorder, as is evidenced by the painful emotional toll she takes on all those who love her. She was definitely severely bi-polar, cycling between highs where she wants to laugh and dance and buy clothes and compulsively receive the attentions of men -- and lows of deep and sometimes suicidal depressions that render her incapable of responding even to the cries of her infant daughter. 

Romulus is a good man, in the truest sense of the word. A pillar of strength and rightness, gentle, hardworking, patient, forgiving, uncomplaining. 

One aspect of his the story is the enigmatic truth of how sometimes you just love people, no matter what. No matter how much they hurt you, betray you. They are in your blood. He knew who Christina was before he married her, she had always gone with other men. When she tried to leave him, he tried to kill himself. She would abandon him and their son time and again, and yet he let her return, every time. When she left him to live with his best friend, still he helped her. 

Every dream Romulus dreams for his life turns to turns to dust before his eyes. Yes still he keeps going, keeps trying. One imagines that the move to Australia was in pursuit of the dream of a better life than the one they had known in Europe. And yet country life is far too quiet for the troubled Christina. And Romulus suffers the abandonment and betrayal of his wife. Yet for all the many humiliations she puts him through, after Christina dies, he is deeply heartbroken. Still, after a time, he somehow finds the courage and faith to hope once more.  He invests all time, energy, money and attention to this new dream. And when that dream too is betrayed and shattered, even his infinitely strong spirit finally reaches the limits of it’s tolerance, and breaks too. The greatest tragedy of this film is that Romulus’ deep goodness is ultimately his biggest weakness. 

What makes this film difficult is the sharp contrast of all of these deeply emotional and adult themes witnessed through the eyes of Romulus’ and Christina’s innocent son, who loves both his parents but in his youth cannot possibly begin to understand or reconcile their woundedness. And the adults, while understanding his innocence, and trying their best to shield him from their issues, are not always able to do so.  

Another witness to all of this brokenness is the family’s loyal friend, Hora. Hora does his best to be there for Raimond, whether it is caring for his soul with a book of poetry, taking him canoeing when his father is distant, or looking after him when neither of his parents can. In many ways, Hora is the family’s voice – of truth, of anger, of hope, of compassion. He does his best to be the solid ground for Romulus and Raimond to lean on. For his brother, who is yet another victim of Christina as well. And yet there is only so much Hora can do. But I think he is integral to Raimond’s strength. Without Hora, Raimond might well have become as lost as his parents.

Weekend away

Got out of town this weekend to visit my mom... Just what the doctor ordered. It was wonderful. Got to just sit and talk, then we ran an errand and I bought my friend's daughter "Fairy Dust" - cute story behind that. I bought some for my friend for christmas - and her daughter, who is 7, said "Oh! Miss ***** knows Fairies!?!" Had a lovely dinner with mom, we were talking about history and my work in ancestry.com. I went to my wonderful room and passed out. The next day I helped with breakfast, then took a long whirlpool soak and meditated. Then mom and I were working on Ancestry.com. She was trying to help fill in the blanks on her side. On my dad's side, I can go back to the 12th century. It's so neat. I'm finally tapped into King Edward II... an ancestor. It really brings the history to life. 

Plants

If you want lush, healthy plants, you have to water them regularly.  Place them in the sunlight. Throw them a bit of nourishment once in a while. And ground them. Give them ground. A secure place to live. I think souls are like plants.  My leaves are feeling a bit brown around the edges just now.  I really need the waters of something to believe in. 

Thursday

So I said to myself I would write here everyday... like therapy, to get my thoughts down, to get them out so I can see what I'm thinking about. Had a good day at work yesterday, but then at the end of the day this little ARE girl (entry level) just talked to me about a project in such a condescending way it really annoyed me. Didn't make me all out angry... just worked my nerves. So when I got home I was wiped and layed down to take a nap. Slept from 7:30 - 9 pm... then didn't get back to sleep til around 1 am. not a great cycle. Horoscopes are predicting Pluto and Mercury doing a tense thing... so I need to watch my tongue. Seems like I need to do that a lot lately and I'm hoping the phase goes away soon. I'm tangling with a lot of negativity and anger lately and I don't like it. Is Pluto bringing this up from the underworld? I need to wrestle my psyche back from him... I don't like Pluto and Mars in control. Pluto was in Capricorn recently... is that why I'm feeling so practical lately? Or maybe I've been under a lot of stress and just need a vacation to get back on track. My mom was talking about Montserrat. C was talking about Puerto Rico. Anything with a warm beach would be great right about now. I haven't been on real vacation in 3 years. no wonder I'm so edgy. Time to at least schedule some time off. I was kind of hoping to save it for the summer, but weather's getting pretty nice now. 

Where is Chevy Chase when you need him?

Daphne Moore, Wal-Mart's corporate communications director, responded in a statement: "This is a very sad case and we understand that people will naturally have an emotional and sympathetic reaction. While the Shank case involves a tragic situation, the reality is that the health plan is required to protect its assets so that it can pay the future claims of other associates and their family members. These plans are funded by associate premiums and company contributions. Any money recovered is returned to the health plan, not to the business. This is done out of fairness to everyone who contributes to and benefits from the plan.

The Supreme Court recently declined to hear an appeal of the case, which concludes all litigation. While Wal-Mart's benefit plan was entitled to more than the amount that remained in the Shank trust, the plan only recovered the funds remaining in that trust," which according to reports amounted to about $277,000. The spokeswoman did not respond specifically to Olbermann's TV battle.

==========================================================

Dear Daphne,

"This is a very sad case and we understand that people will naturally have an emotional and sympathetic reaction.”

Really? You can understand? It’s natural? Okay then… since you get it, where is your “natural, sympathetic reaction”? Are you not a people too? Am I to understand you are implying this is a trait to be dismissed?

“The reality is that the health plan is required to protect its assets so that it can pay the future claims of other associates and their family members. These plans are funded by associate premiums and company contributions.”

The health plan is required to protect it’s assets? Darling… your people are your assets. Without them, you don’t have the $375 billion in profits* you posted in fiscal 2008. Since your health plan is funded by “associate premiums and company contributions” you might want to consider tapping into that (let me say it again) $375 BILLION in profits BEFORE you try legally raping a brain-damaged, defenseless mother of three… oh no wait, two. That’s right, her son just gave his life in Iraq fighting to protect your “Capitalist” lifestyle. (Dear God, it’s starting to become a bit more apparent why the world hates us.)

“Any money recovered is returned to the health plan, not to the business. This is done out of fairness to everyone who contributes to and benefits from the plan.”

Out of fairness to everyone who contributes to and benefits from the plan? Really? So it’s fair enough for Debbie to contribute to the plan… just not to benefit from it once she desperately needs it? So this is Wal-Mart playing fair?

“While Wal-Mart's benefit plan was entitled to more than the amount that remained in the Shank trust, the plan only recovered the funds remaining in that trust"

Daphne -- you audacious corporate spin slut – did you actually just try to use that PR degree to attempt to point out how gracious and magnanimous you are to “settle” for what’s left in the trust -- rather than going after the whole amount you are “entitled to”? Are you actually trying to justify yourselves and perhaps even seek a little credit here? Excuse me I need some Listerine, I think I just vomited in my mouth a little bit. Oh no, honey, I won’t be buying it at Wal-Mart.

===========
* http://www.pridedepot.com/modules/wordpress/?p=1648

Trust and Forgiveness

Thinking about trust and forgiveness. Expectations. I don't trust, or forgive, as easily as I used to. I think of people, mostly men, who have let me down, or worse, lied to me. I try to forgive them, trust another man. Then then next man lies to me. Lets me down. Why do men lie? Because they are afraid of a woman's negative reaction? Of hurting someone? Don't they realize the lie hurts far worse? And it will be found out? How does a woman trust a man? Make them earn it? And if they aren't interested in that? What then? I so want to believe the best about men. I want to love them, to play with them, to have fun with them, to stand by them. And isn't that what they want of us? I fear I am too damaged over the years of trying to trust and being let down time and again. Or perhaps I'm not alone in feeling damaged. Perhaps so many men are damaged too, and it's why they can't love us. All I know is it makes me so very sad.

Time and Culture

Been reading and watching a lot of history lately. John Adams on HBO. Looking in to my family's geneology. Reading the history of people in the distant past who may be my ancestors. It gets me thinking about society and culture, in a very human way. One example... people seemed much more dutifully respectful of their neighbors and spouses back then. But then, that would make sense. One relied on them, in a very tangible way. Today, we have the means to be "independent". But what does that mean for how we treat each other in our society? It seems the less we are dependent on one another, the less respectful we need to be of them. We have the "luxury" of choosing our relationships. But is that necessarily a good thing? Or does it isolate us? Would we be more appreciative and respectful of one another if we were more dependent on one another? If we truly needed one another, would the bonds be stronger? In so many ways I think today we feel so much less appreciative, and more isolated. I think, we do truly need one another. But our society has snowed us into believing we do not ... I think we have lost that primal sense of community. And I think we are paying a dear price for it, in ways we do not even fully comprehend.

If, lets say, a husband was chosen for us. And then we relied upon him for a roof over our head, food on our table. And he relied upon us to cook that food, for the clothes on his back. And this person was someone we worked side by side next to for years, simply to survive. And children came, whether we chose them or not. Would a bond form there, a love, an appreciation, that we cannot comprehend in our "independent" society? Was the dynamic so different as for us, standing in the culture we stand in, to be unable to understand it? Perhaps there were some who were miserable, and trapped. But in reading of the past, it seems to me there is evidence of a great deal of love and affection present in these histories. At the end of the day, there was no TV to zone out to, to distract them. They would have to entertain each other, and themselves. Did the physical labor and the peace of nature play a factor?

Perhaps it's a case of balance... the societies of the past faced hardships and challenges we do not. But inherent in those was a support system, a bonding culture. They had to make it work. Is there something about that that inherently supported success? And what of our culture today? Without dependence on one another, every relationship seems much more fragile. What is there to hold it together if a wrong move is made? We have a cornucopia of choice... in suitors, mates, employers, friends... so while on the one hand there is freedom, on the other, there is - what? No necessity to commit, or an ever present choice to commit or not. Well, that's not exactly the right phrasing... but I can't think of what it would be called. Or perhaps I am simply romanticing the past, in a search for the stability and constancy I long for.

Inner conflicts

I wake in the morning thinking of god and life and hope. Can a person be broken inside? Even if they've been strong for really long time? Can they get to a place where something breaks and they don't believe anymore? Can't keep going, keep hoping? I don't want to be that person, but I'm scared that I am. Does understanding things change them? Or is that only one part of it? Understanding doesn't seem to be changing things. Or do I just not have what it takes? So is hope really the grease that keeps us going, keeps us moving? Is that why faith and hope are so crucial? Without them there is no motivation to reach, to keep trying? How does one heal one's own broken heart? How does one heal one's own faith? Is that possible? Fear. Anger. Bitterness. How does one banish these things? Things in our world seem so selfish, so impermanent. What can be trusted? How do we forgive ourselves... others... for the things we are not capable of? Does the process work? The process of letting the emotions come? Or can life really break us if we don't tread carefully? What is in the landscape of my soul? Is the Secret right? Do we get what we think about? Do we create our own reality? Does God exist? If he does, what's his deal?

I think of the film Constantine. At first I thought it was such a piece of garbage. But somehow it's insidious, every time it's on cable I can't help but watch it. Is losing one's faith the road to hell? When Gabriel says "If dear God loves you so, I will make you worthy of his love. I will bring you horror, so that you can rise above it". Then, when God abandons her, she asks Constantine to kill her. But he doesn't. Instead he socks her in the jaw and says "That's pain. Get used to it". Is that why God loves us so? Because we are so fragile and so vulnerable? So full of feeling? Does God love us and offer us redemption because he knows how hard it is to be human? Or is God just a fantasy we've created to feel less alone? To feel less vulnerable?

Watched a film last night called "The Fountain". Beautiful, incomprehensible. Asked a lot of those sorts of meaning of life questions. Made no real sense. But it felt like it almost could, but then didn't connect. I am missing my own kindness. I am missing my own faith. I feel like that film... great ambition, but not connecting... has heart, but is lost, is not making sense. Am I capable? I don't feel capable. I feel most acutely incapable. Are we all like that?