Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Price check, aisle 3
I am very very aware of needing something I don't have right now. Some sort of strength, or hope or fortitude. Dark thoughts and deep sadness fill my mind ... like a leak in my soul somewhere. I try to empty the cup, pick myself up, dress myself up, get out in the world with friends or tackle projects. I got to bed with the intention of sleeping early and rising early, getting prepared to to seize the day and make progress. But when morning comes, I lay in my bed feeling sad, feeling lost. I fear I do not have what it takes to get where I want to go. I know this is not a productive attitude. I know I am putting too much weight on past failures. I know I need to change... something. Many things. The sadness is like a weight that has grown to heavy. I beg for ways to let it go. I tell myself one foot in front of the other, and you can get there. But do I believe it? I know I need hope. I know I need courage. Strength. Something like that. A different attitude. To change. To believe. They say that it's all about what you believe. They say you create your world with your mind. Let go of negative thinking. Focus on the positive. Be grateful. This all makes sense. But how? How does one get there from here? I need to create a different world inside my head. A different life. I need to believe I can.
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2 comments:
I agree, you need to believe. And, I think, you are just going through a hard time, too. I see you shedding a lot of pain, and rage. I don't think that's wrong...I think its okay. I think that, in the end? Its good. But its hard to go through that. We want it to be over before it has even begun. We don't want to cry for days, or bite people's heads off when they shit on us because we think it makes us look bad. So, we push it down, and shove it down, and cover it up with smiles and tell ourselves that God will save us and prop up our hope.
I don't think God will save us. I think we have to save ourselves. I think we can, but we have to feel our sadness, and then, get on with things. There's a lot to enjoy and a lot to do. Other people can sometimes give us things that we want...or need. Particularly if we ask nicely and are not much attached to the outcome. But I find that, when it comes to the big things...the things that really matter to me, I need to focus on my own fitness for and ability to get them...or do them. The big things have to be about me, and not about what someone else will or will not do, or I'll get loopy.
I love you honey. As someone who has to do a lot of grieving right now herself, I sympathize. You feel bad about yourself, because of how your life has not turned out the way you hoped, and then you feel worse because you're sad all the time and it makes the wrinkles around your eyes deeper...
Take comfort that you will always be loved by the people who understand you...and I also find it helps to find someone else to do things for. A child, or maybe a friend.
xxxx
Thank you honey. I know you understand me as I understand you... we seem to have taken different roads to a similar place lately. But then we've always understood each other's echoes... there have been certain parallels of feeling. Sometimes it's like we've signed up for the same courses, we just take them at different times :-)
I don't know if I feel bad about myself, or if I'm sad about being sad. I think it's more like my soul is hungry... and I fear whether I have the means to nourish myself. I feel that I am coming to understand dark things about the world and about life and humans and myself and I don't quite know how to acclimate to them, or incorporate them. Perhaps I need to learn to just accept them and keep moving without letting the fear overtake me.
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