Inner conflicts

I wake in the morning thinking of god and life and hope. Can a person be broken inside? Even if they've been strong for really long time? Can they get to a place where something breaks and they don't believe anymore? Can't keep going, keep hoping? I don't want to be that person, but I'm scared that I am. Does understanding things change them? Or is that only one part of it? Understanding doesn't seem to be changing things. Or do I just not have what it takes? So is hope really the grease that keeps us going, keeps us moving? Is that why faith and hope are so crucial? Without them there is no motivation to reach, to keep trying? How does one heal one's own broken heart? How does one heal one's own faith? Is that possible? Fear. Anger. Bitterness. How does one banish these things? Things in our world seem so selfish, so impermanent. What can be trusted? How do we forgive ourselves... others... for the things we are not capable of? Does the process work? The process of letting the emotions come? Or can life really break us if we don't tread carefully? What is in the landscape of my soul? Is the Secret right? Do we get what we think about? Do we create our own reality? Does God exist? If he does, what's his deal?

I think of the film Constantine. At first I thought it was such a piece of garbage. But somehow it's insidious, every time it's on cable I can't help but watch it. Is losing one's faith the road to hell? When Gabriel says "If dear God loves you so, I will make you worthy of his love. I will bring you horror, so that you can rise above it". Then, when God abandons her, she asks Constantine to kill her. But he doesn't. Instead he socks her in the jaw and says "That's pain. Get used to it". Is that why God loves us so? Because we are so fragile and so vulnerable? So full of feeling? Does God love us and offer us redemption because he knows how hard it is to be human? Or is God just a fantasy we've created to feel less alone? To feel less vulnerable?

Watched a film last night called "The Fountain". Beautiful, incomprehensible. Asked a lot of those sorts of meaning of life questions. Made no real sense. But it felt like it almost could, but then didn't connect. I am missing my own kindness. I am missing my own faith. I feel like that film... great ambition, but not connecting... has heart, but is lost, is not making sense. Am I capable? I don't feel capable. I feel most acutely incapable. Are we all like that?