- Starbucks Venti Iced Coffee... with free refills
- Hammocks
- Town pools
- Company softball games
- Friends who get you... and know what you need and don't let you get away with your old tricks
- Target $12 sundresses
- Flip flops
- Having a smile that can make other people smile
- Old old old friends finding you on Facebook
- being able to see the stars from my backyard
- Being able to see the past in a new light
Thursday, August 28, 2008
The good things list... Summer
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Being present
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Goddess to Goddess
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Good things on an idle Thursday
- That new song that just totally "catches" you
- That old song that brings that smile and those good memories and makes you feel like you're 17 again
- The Dali Lama, because he just rocks
- Clever Home Depot gadgets
- Roommates who work out a lot and then walk around the apartment shirtless (yes it's good to be me)
- Not having to do everything today
- Ionic hairdryers
- People thinking I'm 27 :-)
- The head of the office asking me to lunch to brainstorm creative ideas
- Having a head of office who is totally cool and actively trying to turn our office into a "hot spot"
- A great impromtu conversation in a parking lot with a co-worker I always liked but don't know very well
- Free Starbucks refills with the new Starbucks card
- LL Cool J
- Discovering a "Thank You" board in the hallway at work with post-it notes all over it
- Daydreaming about the ideal summer party
Monday, May 19, 2008
Issues vs. Attraction
Attraction. Well, Monday when I met him he was wearing a baggy shirt, he'd been golfing in the rain so his hair was kind of tousled. Looked good. When I met him Thursday, he was wearing a nice dress shirt. His hair was gelled, didn't love it but went with it. Last night he was wearing a tight black t-shirt and his hair was gelled... and I thought, oh... Tony Soprano, guido, he's got a serious beer belly going on there. Maybe that's shallow but I've never really been one for beefy guys. The other thing that could be happening is that when we were out Thursday night, we had a few drinks. We got touchy a bit feely, kissed, hugged, etc. When he came over last night, we kissed hello, then went to my computer to choose a movie. He sat down in my office chair and immediately tried to pull me into his lap. My computer is in my bedroom. I didn't feel comfortable with this so I stood up. Perhaps it was moving a bit fast for me. Or perhaps I didn't want to sit in his lap because I didn't feel attracted to him. We went to the movies, but my head wasn't really into the date. I'm in the process of moving, painting all weekend, etc. It had been a really busy weekend. Was I just out of people juice? And this guy was invading my space? Hmmm.
Issues. Is my sudden lack of interest in this guy about attraction, or is it related to my issues? He seems into me, does that scare me? I want to be close to a man. I want a boyfriend in my life. I haven't had a serious "real" relationship in about 5 years. Actually going on 6. Those who know me know what went down 6 years ago. Emotional trauma. I've been trying to move past it ever since. But every time a dating scenario doesn't work out, I can't help but wonder. Is this my brokenness at work again? Is something on some interior level just shutting down? Or am I making too much of it and it's just my gemini nature at work... perhaps I was flattered about being asked out when I wasn't expecting it, and riding that "ego high" and then last night I finally took a look at the guy and went, nope not for me? How does one ever know for sure if it's a case of one's own fear, issues, or just a case of the classic "she's just not that into you?"
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Weekend Good Things
- Chirping birds outside my window
- The soft rustle of the wind
- The silence of the alarm clock on saturday morning
- Jorge milling about the house, chatting to me from other rooms
- The pretty chime of email in my inbox (yeah someone loves me! yes... citibank and American Airlines love me a lot... hahaha)
Thursday, May 15, 2008
The good things list
- Fireplace smoke in the air
- Lilacs
- Old Spice
- Apple pie baking
- A warm clean horse
Lazy morning
Actually I've been having a lot of those kind of experiences lately. One little thing making my day. I got flirted with in Starbucks out of the blue on Monday. My shoulders were hurting me and I didn't sleep well Sunday at all, wasn't showered, not a stitch of makeup on (not that we stitch it on but still) and just ran in to get a cup of coffee before going to my chiropractor to sort out my shoulder issue... the universe conspired to keep me there for a few minutes to give this chap an opportunity to chat me up. They had to brew some decaf, so I waited. When I finally got my coffee he opened with the line "leaving so soon?" I am meeting him for a drink tonight. But boy that just made my day, to be flirted with when I'm not even done up at all.
What else has made my day? I was sad a few weeks ago and my friend T dropped me an email out of the blue talking about how I should see the moon. Next thing I know I'm on my way to Maine. My relationship with G has been getting back to it's good place, we're talking lots lately having our old good conversations. My dad asked me to go riding last weekend and it was great. Got a great note from my friend T the other day. F5 reunion was fun. And the spring flowers on all the trees make me smile. Things have been going really well with D (guy who works for me). He's having twins - wow. I'm trying to focus on all these good things to get my positive energy flowing, right now this morning I'm feeling sleepy and sluggish. Wake up wake up, it's a brand new day! :-)
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Conflict
So I made a white flag plea last night. Please... please can't we work this out. And he sat there, and put his arms up behind his head, and admitted that he needs me and I've saved his job time and again, and he's totally unfair to me. And then the excuses came, all the reasons why he is the way he is, and why that's fine. Why his clients feed him bs and he eats it and so everyone has to eat his. Why people put up with him because they can "learn something". Well, I don't need to put up with your ****, I don't need to learn anything. Or maybe I do. Maybe I need to learn to say no. Maybe I need to learn to say too bad. Maybe I need to learn not to let other people's bad behavior stress me out. Maybe I need to learn to let go of the drama and give him enough rope to hang himself. But me being me this is not what I want. I don't want to fight and struggle and get ambushed and play stupid head games maneuvering for position and scoring points and seeing who can get away with what. I just want peace. I just want the stress to stop.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Morning thoughts
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Monday
- 80's music
- A is being very friendly, reaching out a lot on IM and text after our shopping day Friday, surprising, but also nice
- Sleep shirts rock
- S at work wants to do coffee this week
- Gratitude for the opportunity before me
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Sunday
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Good things that happened today - 4-24
- Magnificently beautiful day
- Lost is back tonight (yeah!)
- The trees are blooming
- I have tomorrow off
- I bit my tongue (sort of)
- I am attempting to rise above an annoying situation
- I went shopping yesterday so I have food in the house (yeah)
- I have no plans tonight so I can do whatever I want
The best thing that happened today so far (and it's only 8:30 am!)
Dearest *****,I had so much fun with you tonight! I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. It was great to see you...I fell in love with you all over again...(You get what I mean). I wish our generation wrote and communicated more like John Adams and Thomas Jefferson; I've always loved the way they were so heartfelt and sincere with each other in those days. Well, we kinda do...I told M***** that we spent a great deal of time discussing John Adams and he was Very proud of us that we did...as opposed to... "who was wearing what at the last big celeb thing"...Thanks for your friendship...you really DO know me well!! :} I hope your beautiful, sexy shoe is more comfortable now.And remember, any time you have a splinter, or sticker, or chains that need to be untangled, you know where to go!Love always, T
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
List of the good things - Wed Apr 23 version
- Got a parking space RIGHT in front of the building by the door
- Got the elevator right as soon as I walked in the door (this is a big deal - we have the slowest elevators in the world at my building)
- The gang at the deli sang me a song when I came in for my lunch today :-) And they ordered Diet Peach Snapple especially for me
- Got a great manicure/pedicure and had dinner with my sweet friend T
- She got the remnants of the on sale sticker off the heel of my new shoe
- Got invited to go to Nantucket for Memorial day. Not sure I can go... but it's still great to be invited :-)
- It was a phenomenal beautiful day with big round suns on the weather forecast for the next 2 days
- Had a fun "argument" with my old friend GS about the proper use of the words "girlfriend" and "colloquial"
- Am taking Friday off for "Outlet day" with my friends (not my GIRLfriends... that's for you GS)
- In my opinion I think I have very sexy feet
- My friend/roommate G is in a good place in his life and doing good - and that makes me happy/brings me a deep sense of satisfaction, even though it has nothing to do with me
- He always takes out the garbage and brings up the mail, without ever being asked
- My friend K always always finds it in her heart to be kind to me when I am sad, no matter what is going on with her, even when there is so much going on with her it would be totally forgivable for her to be lost in her own stuff. Who does that? It's amazing.
- The man who works for me (D) is always in good spirits and ready with a silly joke, and he puts up with all my crap, even when he doesn't realize it's crap. Plus he's talented as all hell and god I'm lucky to have him with me because he saves my ass time and time again
- Doctors and antibiotics. I have the most wonderful doctors. I wish I didn't need them but I'm really grateful that I have them available. Dr. Trebing, Dr. Burd, Dr. Taddonio, Dr. Fleigelmann, and my eye doctor, who's name is too complicated to remember how to spell but she rocks too.
- Down pillows
- Haagen Daaz
- HBO
Man in a Fake Bear Suit
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Twinkle Twinkle Little Star
A list of the good things
- It's April and the sun is shining
- I have a good job
- I'm getting help and support at work
- My dad invited me to go riding in May
- My friend invited me to Maine for the weekend to see the lighthouses
- I ran into my old neighbor Sunday and we made plans to have dinner
- I bought cute new shoes last weekend
- Hot coffee
- I'm only a little overweight, not a lot
- My friend C is always there checking on me with a smile and a bottle of wine
Price check, aisle 3
Friday, April 11, 2008
Romulus, My Father
I read a review of this film that said he couldn’t connect to it emotionally, it didn’t let him in. The only thing I can make of that is this man has led a charmed life and never suffered betrayal or broken dreams. This movie is so poignant in it’s human truth it went straight to the heart of me. There is nothing false about this story at all.
We meet this immigrant family on a lonely homestead in the backwaters of Austalia. We don’t know what happened to them back in Europe, but it is clear they suffered some sort of hardship and damage. I am guessing that the mother, Christina, suffered from some sort of personality disorder, as is evidenced by the painful emotional toll she takes on all those who love her. She was definitely severely bi-polar, cycling between highs where she wants to laugh and dance and buy clothes and compulsively receive the attentions of men -- and lows of deep and sometimes suicidal depressions that render her incapable of responding even to the cries of her infant daughter.
Romulus is a good man, in the truest sense of the word. A pillar of strength and rightness, gentle, hardworking, patient, forgiving, uncomplaining.
One aspect of his the story is the enigmatic truth of how sometimes you just love people, no matter what. No matter how much they hurt you, betray you. They are in your blood. He knew who Christina was before he married her, she had always gone with other men. When she tried to leave him, he tried to kill himself. She would abandon him and their son time and again, and yet he let her return, every time. When she left him to live with his best friend, still he helped her.
Every dream Romulus dreams for his life turns to turns to dust before his eyes. Yes still he keeps going, keeps trying. One imagines that the move to Australia was in pursuit of the dream of a better life than the one they had known in Europe. And yet country life is far too quiet for the troubled Christina. And Romulus suffers the abandonment and betrayal of his wife. Yet for all the many humiliations she puts him through, after Christina dies, he is deeply heartbroken. Still, after a time, he somehow finds the courage and faith to hope once more. He invests all time, energy, money and attention to this new dream. And when that dream too is betrayed and shattered, even his infinitely strong spirit finally reaches the limits of it’s tolerance, and breaks too. The greatest tragedy of this film is that Romulus’ deep goodness is ultimately his biggest weakness.
What makes this film difficult is the sharp contrast of all of these deeply emotional and adult themes witnessed through the eyes of Romulus’ and Christina’s innocent son, who loves both his parents but in his youth cannot possibly begin to understand or reconcile their woundedness. And the adults, while understanding his innocence, and trying their best to shield him from their issues, are not always able to do so.
Another witness to all of this brokenness is the family’s loyal friend, Hora. Hora does his best to be there for Raimond, whether it is caring for his soul with a book of poetry, taking him canoeing when his father is distant, or looking after him when neither of his parents can. In many ways, Hora is the family’s voice – of truth, of anger, of hope, of compassion. He does his best to be the solid ground for Romulus and Raimond to lean on. For his brother, who is yet another victim of Christina as well. And yet there is only so much Hora can do. But I think he is integral to Raimond’s strength. Without Hora, Raimond might well have become as lost as his parents.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Weekend away
Friday, April 4, 2008
Plants
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Thursday
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Where is Chevy Chase when you need him?
The Supreme Court recently declined to hear an appeal of the case, which concludes all litigation. While Wal-Mart's benefit plan was entitled to more than the amount that remained in the Shank trust, the plan only recovered the funds remaining in that trust," which according to reports amounted to about $277,000. The spokeswoman did not respond specifically to Olbermann's TV battle.
==========================================================
Dear Daphne,
"This is a very sad case and we understand that people will naturally have an emotional and sympathetic reaction.”Really? You can understand? It’s natural? Okay then… since you get it, where is your “natural, sympathetic reaction”? Are you not a people too? Am I to understand you are implying this is a trait to be dismissed?
“The reality is that the health plan is required to protect its assets so that it can pay the future claims of other associates and their family members. These plans are funded by associate premiums and company contributions.”The health plan is required to protect it’s assets? Darling… your people are your assets. Without them, you don’t have the $375 billion in profits* you posted in fiscal 2008. Since your health plan is funded by “associate premiums and company contributions” you might want to consider tapping into that (let me say it again) $375 BILLION in profits BEFORE you try legally raping a brain-damaged, defenseless mother of three… oh no wait, two. That’s right, her son just gave his life in Iraq fighting to protect your “Capitalist” lifestyle. (Dear God, it’s starting to become a bit more apparent why the world hates us.)
“Any money recovered is returned to the health plan, not to the business. This is done out of fairness to everyone who contributes to and benefits from the plan.”Out of fairness to everyone who contributes to and benefits from the plan? Really? So it’s fair enough for Debbie to contribute to the plan… just not to benefit from it once she desperately needs it? So this is Wal-Mart playing fair?
“While Wal-Mart's benefit plan was entitled to more than the amount that remained in the Shank trust, the plan only recovered the funds remaining in that trust"Daphne -- you audacious corporate spin slut – did you actually just try to use that PR degree to attempt to point out how gracious and magnanimous you are to “settle” for what’s left in the trust -- rather than going after the whole amount you are “entitled to”? Are you actually trying to justify yourselves and perhaps even seek a little credit here? Excuse me I need some Listerine, I think I just vomited in my mouth a little bit. Oh no, honey, I won’t be buying it at Wal-Mart.
===========
* http://www.pridedepot.com/modules/wordpress/?p=1648
Trust and Forgiveness
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Time and Culture
If, lets say, a husband was chosen for us. And then we relied upon him for a roof over our head, food on our table. And he relied upon us to cook that food, for the clothes on his back. And this person was someone we worked side by side next to for years, simply to survive. And children came, whether we chose them or not. Would a bond form there, a love, an appreciation, that we cannot comprehend in our "independent" society? Was the dynamic so different as for us, standing in the culture we stand in, to be unable to understand it? Perhaps there were some who were miserable, and trapped. But in reading of the past, it seems to me there is evidence of a great deal of love and affection present in these histories. At the end of the day, there was no TV to zone out to, to distract them. They would have to entertain each other, and themselves. Did the physical labor and the peace of nature play a factor?
Perhaps it's a case of balance... the societies of the past faced hardships and challenges we do not. But inherent in those was a support system, a bonding culture. They had to make it work. Is there something about that that inherently supported success? And what of our culture today? Without dependence on one another, every relationship seems much more fragile. What is there to hold it together if a wrong move is made? We have a cornucopia of choice... in suitors, mates, employers, friends... so while on the one hand there is freedom, on the other, there is - what? No necessity to commit, or an ever present choice to commit or not. Well, that's not exactly the right phrasing... but I can't think of what it would be called. Or perhaps I am simply romanticing the past, in a search for the stability and constancy I long for.
Inner conflicts
I think of the film Constantine. At first I thought it was such a piece of garbage. But somehow it's insidious, every time it's on cable I can't help but watch it. Is losing one's faith the road to hell? When Gabriel says "If dear God loves you so, I will make you worthy of his love. I will bring you horror, so that you can rise above it". Then, when God abandons her, she asks Constantine to kill her. But he doesn't. Instead he socks her in the jaw and says "That's pain. Get used to it". Is that why God loves us so? Because we are so fragile and so vulnerable? So full of feeling? Does God love us and offer us redemption because he knows how hard it is to be human? Or is God just a fantasy we've created to feel less alone? To feel less vulnerable?
Watched a film last night called "The Fountain". Beautiful, incomprehensible. Asked a lot of those sorts of meaning of life questions. Made no real sense. But it felt like it almost could, but then didn't connect. I am missing my own kindness. I am missing my own faith. I feel like that film... great ambition, but not connecting... has heart, but is lost, is not making sense. Am I capable? I don't feel capable. I feel most acutely incapable. Are we all like that?
Sunday, March 30, 2008
We really are the Evil Empire
This morning, I was thinking about the systems of our society. I work for a marketing company, have for many years. I've gotten a peak behind the curtain, the vast oceans of money that get poured by companies into trying to figure out how to get inside your head. I think about this side... the politics of governments, the politics of companies. And then I think about the people I know. So many are struggling to get by. My friend posted a terribly sad article about Wal-Mart suing an employee who was devestatingly injured in a car accident -- trying to recover the insurance settlement she won for themselves.
Been watching the HBO series John Adams. Our founding fathers said...
"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness."
So it get's me thinking... are we still governed by government? Or are we governed now, instead, by Corporations? It seems to me we are secretly governed by Corporations... and established government has simply become the big dog in the yard. If government is established by the people FOR the people... what is a corporation established for? It's own interests and profit. It seduces the population, brainwashes us into believing we "must" have this that and the other thing... extends us "credit" and then "taxes" us in the form of fees and APR's in a cycle of control that has infiltrated to the core of culture in an intricate web. It has become the feudal lord of the land... it gives most of us our paychecks, determines what those are, then tells us how to spend it. Government, for the most part, is it's mistress, set up in a condo and promoted to a position of power as long as they keep their mouth shut and don't tell the wife. Except the wife knows. She's just powerless to do much about it. Corporate America has become the vampire, sucking us dry, the snake eating it's own tail.
Stories of Corporate greed and abuse have become so rampant as to not even shock us anymore. Stories of morally bereft polititians has become the cliche. Once we lived in tribes. And the tribes, for the most part, took care of their own. Are we a tribe anymore? Are we taking care of our own? Or are the architects of power simply raiding the silver and trying to hijack a ride out of town? If government derives it's power from the consent of the governed, when did I consent to this? Or have they seduced our consent... with lies and false promises and subtle, intricate brainwashing... weaving a web so complex as for it to be near impossible to uncover whom is responsible or what. I feel, somewhere along the line, that we have been robbed of our consent ... without ever realizing it. As that classic line from "The Usual Suspects"...
"The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing us he didn't exist".
Of course, our society's citizens live better than other citizens in other societies. The Congo is a dark example. I won't go into that in detail. But when I go to 20,000 feet... it gets me thinking. Is this how human beings govern themselves? We don't seem to be doing a terribly good job of it. But if the society is the macrocosm... what about the microcosm? Am I any better at governing myself? Do I conduct myself in a way that is "for the good of the people"... the people being me? What society am I? Is it perhaps, an ambitious goal to believe that humans are capable of governing themselves in a healthy, harmonious, sustainable way? Am I a product of my society... or is society a product of people just like me?
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Lost and Overwhelmed
It's beautiful out.. but cold.
A Matter of Perspective?
For my part, I don't see it. I believe, that to look through his eyes, he sees a friend he trusts and cares about. Our friendship is one of mutual respect and we can talk deeply about things, with kindness and understanding. I value it immensely. So I wonder if that is what they see. I dismiss that he would be interested in me... from where I sit, he's young and I'm old... in a word, realistically, he's out of my league. That's not to say I'm not a wonderful, attractive woman with lots to offer. I am. But why would he be interested in a woman 15 years his senior, with an extra 20 lbs. and lots of emotional issues and "baggage"? He's happy enough to share his interest in all the attractive younger women who cross his path with me. And I'm fine with that.
But what makes me scratch my head... is what are these other people seeing? Is it just the ease of genuine respect and affection? Or are those precisely the building blocks of good love and that concept is just so foreign to me, I can't even recognize it when it's right in front of me?
Letter to my colleague that I will never send
From where I sit, trying to juggle multiple projects and find the time and resources to service everyone’s account to the best of my ability, to “be creative” on demand with no time to think anything through in an intelligent way. I am expected to “work magic”, but I’m not a magician. In the midst of all this stress, you come in with grand expectations and no regard for creative’s time.
I’ve tried until I’m blue to address these issues with you time and time again. You’ve improved on scheduling, and yet still the frustration persists. You make the argument that everything you do is somehow “special” and that the work should always be first class. While it’s a nice theory, and one I would support on strategically important projects with a reasonable lead time, it’s simply NOT reasonable to make these demands on last minute projects, Nor is it fair to the rest of the company that their projects should suffer so that yours can shine. Especially in light of the fact that they have the respect to conclude their thoughts before engaging our assistance, you do not. They have the respect to schedule their work ahead of time, and allow us sufficient time to return the deliverable. You do not.
The cumulative effect of your work style is that you have exhausted my patience and understanding of your challenges, and have driven me to a place where I am constantly angry and frustrated with you.
This Velvet Glove
Being face to face with common grace
To meditate on the warmest dream
And when I walk alone I listen
To our secret theme
Disasters are
Just another star
Falling in my yard
John says to live above hell
My will is well
Long to be with
Someone to tell
I love your smell